I think of myself as a non-confrontational, calm, cooperative, kind, patient and gentle person for the most part. However, when I coach my U13 boy’s soccer team I don’t believe all of these qualities are on display, all of the time. It’s easy to be calm, patient and kind when your team is winning. It’s a different matter when the game is close, when you’re losing or when your team is not playing like you know they can. I even tell my parents at the beginning of the season to respect referees and to find ways to cheer for the kids instead of shouting directions at them. It’s just that when there is something at stake like a league table to win or just a single game on the line, my ego cannot accept that we are here to let the kids play and to help kids develop. I’m not playing everyone equally. I do play kids at least 50% of the game but the kids that can score, defend and help the team win, I will play them more than 50% of the game.
Don’t get me wrong, during the game I’m looking for things to praise the boys for. When someone dribbles out of a difficult situation, when someone finds a killer pass, or when teammates combine with each other to progress up the field. It’s usually praise or encouragement. Additionally, I usually provide instructions or guided questions on positioning and awareness on where opponents are. For the most part all good stuff in my book.
Our last game of the season, we were playing a team that we beat 3–0 previously. If we won, we placed 2nd and if we lost or tied we placed 3rd. It was a very windy day. I had all expectations that we would win this game easily. We went into the half at 1–1 but I felt we should have been up 2–0 based on how the game went. I didn’t yell at the kids on the bench. They were playing well in difficult conditions. However, I was tense and agitated during the 2nd half. Players asking to go back in right after they came off annoyed me. Kids on the bench kicking balls over the fence or onto the field, further annoyed me. We ended up getting a late goal and winning 2–1 but in reflecting I do not want to feel like that about a game.
Earlier in this season and 4 years prior I would have likely yelled at kids during the game about decisions they made, made some halftime speech about 5 things we needed to do to get back on track, reminded them of their training at practice and then if we lost I would have felt gutted the rest of the weekend.
The feelings I have during competition for kids shouldn’t be there. I don’t believe it’s not a matter of self-control. While self-control can help prevent regrettable words and actions resulting from my emotions during the game, I wonder if it is all necessary. Do I need to put myself in a situation where I feel these emotions during a kid’s game?
It’s all about the environment. We have formal teams that are segregated by sex, age and sometimes in “select” by ability. We have uniforms that differentiate us and we practice separately to then compete against each other in “meaningful” games on the weekend to see who is a better team. In youth organized sports we have children compete against each other instead of playing with each other. I love the analogy given by Bog Bigelow in his book Just Let the Kids Play about a game of tag. How silly would it look to separate kids based on their sex, age and ability then put them on separate teams and coach them to have a formal match on the weekend of tag. Yet this is what we do with soccer, baseball, basketball, etc… We have a competition environment instead of a play environment. Would I make sure that kids play an equal amount in a play environment? Yeah! There’s no reason not to. Would I critique their performance in a play environment? Nope! There’s no reason for me to do that.
I believe that all well meaning coaches and parents when placed in a competitive performance environment will succumb to potentially negative emotions. Which begs to me to wonder why is the competition environment the only environment available? I feel that a majority of kids participation within a sport should be play and not competition. I’m for competition at the right age, which in my humble opinion is closer to post-puberty. We can hash that out in a different article. Providing a play environment removes our adult emotions tied to the outcome of the match. Freedom for the kids and freedom for us adults. I believe when given the option a majority of us would choose a play environment. A play environment provides what a lot of parents are looking for when they sign their kids up for organized competitive sports, they want their child to make friends, be active and have fun. All of these can be found within a play environment much easier than within a competitive environment because there are no stakes.
An example of a play environment is Joy of the People in Minnesota for soccer and hockey. Please check them out, they are an inspiration!
One question that may come up by well meaning parents or coaches is, will a play environment make our kids non-competitive since they are not competing for a trophy? They may not learn how to compete in life. Anecdotally kids in play will compete much harder and with much less burden/stress while in a play environment versus a competition environment. We didn’t compete any less when playing pick up basketball or football with our friends. The competition is intrinsic. Where as in an organized competitive game the competitions is external, with pressure coming from adult coaches and parent spectators.
There’s also much more flexibility in a play environment for the sake of competition. Think about the following situation in a competition environment: Team A is obviously better than Team B and the score reflects this. There comes a point in the game where Team B gives up, regardless of what the coaches and parents do on the sideline. In a play environment domination is not fun so they would mix up teams or find another way to handicap and make the game competitive. You can’t do that in a competition environment because you’re there to prove who the better team is.
We can’t trust ourselves! Build a play environment so we all benefit!
